Monthly Archives: December 2022

Posted on

Do You Feel Worth It? (Part 2)

As I shared in my last post, the key challenge if you struggle with anxiety, whether on the stage, in business or in life in general, is that your goal is most often to be liked by others rather than having the goal of liking yourself.

Real change, then, always begins with an awareness that the foundation of your anxiety and lack of risk-taking in life is low self-esteem.

I would like to share 3 powerful principles and steps that you can use to take the awareness that we talked about last week and apply it to learning to accept and love yourself.

1) Give Yourself Appropriate Praise

Praise yourself every time you accomplish something, no matter how small. If you are struggling with the fear of speaking in front of a group, no matter the size, and you say to yourself, “Well, all that I did this week was volunteer to lead the presentation at work, but then I felt panicky all week and almost pulled out of the meeting” instead tell yourself, “Great job! I made the attempt and am starting to go outside my comfort zone!”

Usually, any positive step gets discounted in our mind, it gets wiped out and none of it seems to matter or count. It is time to give yourself permission to feel good about any step, no matter how small, that you take to overcoming your fear.

We typically do not talk to our self in that kind of positive, forward looking way. So, no matter how small your victory is, it is crucial to get into the habit, and it is a habit, of praising yourself.

2) If you make a mistake or blow it, ask yourself, “What should I do next?”

When you do fall short of a goal that you have, or you make a mistake, which is inevitable, do not shame yourself but, rather, ask yourself, “What should I do next?”

When I was very young, I used to spill my glass of milk a lot. I don’t know why, but I would be at the kitchen table and accidentally knock the milk over. Now, I had a very caring and loving father, but he would give me this stern look as if I was this terrible person for spilling the milk and I would get very nervous.

As a result of feeling so anxious, did I stop spilling milk? No, I became the champion milk spiller!! It became part of how I saw myself, my identity. I saw myself as clumsy and anxious that I would not please him. It was as if whenever we went out to a restaurant I was subconsciously saying, “Oh excuse me dad, there’s a table over there with a glass of milk on it, I’ve got to go knock it over – that’s my job, that’s who I am.”

Instead of growing up and hearing from him, “That’s okay, let’s just clean it up and move on,” in my head I would beat myself up.

The key principle here is that when you blow it, when you make a mistake, instead of putting yourself down, give yourself a positive, helpful suggestion on what you can do differently next time. What can you do to create a different outcome next time? Be aware of the mental picture, or identity, that you have of yourself and commit to changing it in order to feel less shameful and be more kind to yourself.

Sometimes you need someone else to help you with making this kind of change. It can be a therapist, a coach, or a friend, someone that can say to you, “It’s okay, let’s just understand this.”

We so often put ourselves down automatically without even realizing it. It is not as though you sit around and say, “Hey, I think I’ll have a poor self-image today. I think I’ll be unhealthily dependent on people today. Let’s see who I can let control me.”

Become more aware of how you are talking to yourself and say, “Wait a minute, stop. Don’t. That’s not right to say to myself.” Refrain from calling yourself names or putting yourself down. It’s been said that life is hard enough and no one deserves to be humiliated, even by yourself! Become aware of what you tell yourself.

Posted on

Do You Feel Worth It? (Part 1)

When I started speaking professionally many years ago, people would come up after my presentation and say, “Dr. Lazaris, you did a great job, I enjoyed what you had to share and it will help me so much” and I’d say, “Oh, it was nothing.”

Nothing?

I had, in fact, spent hours and hours preparing. It wasn’t really ‘nothing’ as I had worked hard to do well. Looking back, I should have simply said, “Thank you, I really appreciate that, it means a lot to me.”

I wonder if also you tend to place others above yourself, if you wonder how someone could possibly like or even love you? Even when people do nice things for you, or compliment you, is it difficult to accept that? Is it difficult to simply say, “Thanks, yes, I am really good at that.”

The key question here is, “Am I worth it?”

By anxiously wanting to be accepted by others, we attempt to get others to like us before we even learn to like our self. The Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Until you can love yourself, until you can have a good self-image and a basic foundation of feeling good about yourself, you cannot truly even love someone else, let alone accept their compliments.

The challenge with anyone who struggles with anxiety is that you so often reverse that, and make your goal to be liked by others, instead of liking yourself.

Posted on

It’s Time to Dance (Encore Post)

One of my most popular Posts from many years ago is a powerful reminder that what usually holds us back from the life we truly desire is the mindset that we allow ourselves to continue believing.

The great news is that since we actually create Fear and Anxiety we can decide to move towards those things we believe are dangerous and discover that we are capable of overcoming our created obstacles.

“Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.”~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~ Do you live with “What if” thinking?

~ Do you avoid an outrageous life because of what others might think of you?

~ Do you always seem to be getting ready to start? “Tomorrow… Someday.”

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you are not alone. Most of my anxiety coaching clients report being afraid to go for their dreams out of fear that they would look foolish, make a mistake or be rejected. In fact, I used to struggle with very similar feelings and fears.

One day, during my Doctoral Internship at a hospital in Georgia, one of the nurses asked if I would like to join a group going out that night. It had been a tough day, and I thought that getting out for dinner would be a nice way to unwind, so I said, “Yes”.

They picked me up and off we went to what I thought would be a simple night out of dinner and some laughs. I realized I was wrong as we pulled up to one of the hottest dance clubs in the city, and began to feel anxious (actually, terrified!) about what was ahead of me.